Roaring Lion Man
Updated: Jan 23, 2023
There is a lot written about burnout. In the age of Covid, women do seem to be the more prominent voices in the burnout conversation – women are taking the brunt of parenting, working, caregiving and managing households without the benefits provided by an open society. Lockdown has hurt. Somewhere in that shuffle, men have become overlooked.
Men suffer burnout, too, and it may not look quite the same. The general differences in symptoms stem from extremely complex and nuanced social, economic, and cultural depths, so do not stop at my overly simplified introduction here. Use the links at the end to learn more.
The symptoms of burnout really are universal, but there are higher and lower rates of individual symptoms reported among different sexes. While women may be more likely to report fatigue, men are far more likely to report cynicism (depersonalization). Depersonalization is where a person experiences an emotional distance from their world, like going to work and completely disengaging from the tasks at hand. It is being robotic, or going on autopilot.
As women, we are often told that it is unacceptable to be anything less than a perfect mother and perfect caregiver. I’ve seen this, I’ve lived this. I am lucky now to have more control over my work-life, to be helping others do the same, and to have a great parenting support structure around me who has taught me to let the little things go. I do not have to Keep up with the Jones’s and neither do you. Burnout in women is a huge point of discission all over the place – as it should be, and I love it! – but there is less conversation happening around the men in our lives.
Lately, I am watching my husband work 60+ hours a week as he waits for more help in his department. Fortunately he has a fantastic boss who is on his side and working hard to do everything possible. But all the same, it seems like everyone (my husband most of all) are pretending he is not stretched way too thin, that he is not stressed into the roof all the time, that his blood pressure isn’t sky rocketing and that he is inching towards total burnout a little more each day.
I see it. He says he does, too, but… does he? Sometimes I am not really sure what I am up against trying to get him to take care of himself the way I ask my clients to.
Women have to be the perfect caregivers. Men, meanwhile, must be the perfect provider.
The Stoic Man
An irritable, angry woman is told to stop, step back and reassess. Women know how much they do and how important it is that they take care of themselves to be able to do it. “What the heck is going on with you, girl? You need some time off, you need to go to the spa and relax.”
But for a man, irritation and anger is met with rather differently – whether at work or at home (both symptoms of burnout, by the way) – an angry man is a man’s man. He is macho. Maybe he is evening threatening, menacing, and dangerous, but in any case, this is more or less acceptable. He is an angry, romantic anti-hero.
What is not happening, though, is that men are not being regarded as struggling humans, and they are not allowed to be. Men are not viewed as stressed or in need of a break. Morel likely, they are told to just double down and get it done. Maybe they are told to go hit the bars; drinking into oblivion solves everything, right? Substance is a huge issue with chronic stress and burnout. On a final note, if you would like to go down that fascinating rabbit hole, go look into the gender relations that triggered the Prohibition Movement. Women and men have been contending with substance abuse, burnout and stoicism for a very, very long time.
The general differences in symptoms stem from extremely complex and nuanced social, economic, and cultural depths
The Great Provider
A man who cannot provide for his family is worthless as a human being.
Obviously, this is 100% not true. And my word choice may sound harsh, but as I read more about the expectations on men as a financial provider, I think my choice of words is also accurate. 71% of men and women say that is very important for a man to be a good financial provider compared to 25% who say the same of women. Think about the knee jerk reaction people have to hearing that Dad is the stay at home parent in the family – while more acceptable than it used to be, it is still not, you know, “okay”.
So risking the paycheck is not an option. A man will “suck it up” and get it done, even though burnout. We are looping back around to “a stoic man is a good man”.
Health Literacy
“Health Literacy is the degree to which individuals have the capacity to obtain, process and understand basic information needed to make appropriate health decisions” (HRSA.gov).
Men are more likely to admit to lacking health literacy over women, meaning that a man is less likely than a woman to recognize signs of burnout within himself. The way this translates is that when a women begins experiencing symptoms of stress and then chronic stress, she is more likely to be more aware of it. She may be more likely to accept this. A man, however, may be more dismissive or even outright in denial. It is a different can of worms for a man to be stressed and admit it, so he is more likely to disengage from it. Amazing how all of these point are feeding into one another, isn’t it? It is so interesting to me!
HELP
Men refusing to ask for help is a stereotype. Being a stereotype makes it a joke. But strictly speaking, men are just as likely as women to seek help. Caveat? It’s more likely to happen only once it has escalated to some set threshold. Basically, men are willing to get help after there have been consequences, such as loss of a job or back pain so significant that his legs give out. Honestly, consequences are what drive a lot of people no matter gender or race or religion, because until consequences happen, a problem – like chronic stress – has a sense of imagination around it. It is theoretical, so to speak. I can handle it.
For man or woman, (but, yes, men in particular), it is difficult to ask for help. It is often discouraged, or seen as weakness, or stupidity. It flies directly in the face of an adept provider. So show some sympathy to people who shy away from asking for help, but do not back down – do not conflate help with helpless.
Men and women are in the same boat, albeit different sides. The expectations for both sexes tend to be unrealistic, unyielding, and often they are unforgiving. I absolutely adore that these things are being discussed, and I hope that we as human beings start to engage as givers to one another. But until then, arm yourself with this: Chronic Stress and Burnout are not one size fits all. It looks differently, feels differently, presents differently and is triggered differently from one individual to the next. So check in on your dads, brothers, husbands, friends and sons, and listen to what they say back.
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